Thursday, February 14, 2008

Vanilla life and a rough couple of weeks...

First I have to tell my Master Thank-YOU and Happy Valentines Day!
I love you forever and ever!

I am sorry to say that this entry wont have any alt or fetish stories to share, in the future I am sure there will be plenty. I have hope there will be!
In fact I know we will have lots to share, however we've got some bumps in the road that are proving to be some of the hardest we've been over together. And although they have been pretty devastating, they have brought J3 and I closer, which I would have never imagined because we are already so perfect together.

The past few weeks have been some of the best, and some of the worst I've ever experienced.
You never really know how fortunate you are until life throws curve balls at you that you just cant hit, no matter how many times you just keep missing.

Just over a week ago I was released from the hospital after suffering from pulmonary embolisms and blood clots in my heart.

Many of you know that I had weight loss surgery in January. I have had blood clots in the past so we took precautions for that and I had a IVC filter placed in my inferior vena cava before the surgery to prevent them. Along with three shots a day of
Heparan after the surgery to combat any if they should form.
For the most part it was going rather well, and I had no complications from the surgery. That all changed on February 2nd.

I was having really bad back pain and J3 took me to the hospital, they said it was just back pain and said go home ,rest and take pain medication.

The following morning I could barley walk and when I did make it to the bathroom I started having chest pain, profuse sweating, and I couldn't catch my breath. I asked J3 to call an ambulance.
The ambulance arrived and I was transported to our local hospital. They treated it as if I were having a heart attack. I wasn't.

When I arrived I was given all kinds of tests and hooked up to IVs. The CT scan revealed a shower of blood clots in my lungs and heart .I also had air in one of the chambers of my heart. The Dr told J3 and I that there was an 80% chance I wouldn't make it.

I couldn't believe they were telling me this. I kept yelling "I don't want to die, 80 % that I wont make it....I looked at Jim, the concern in his eyes made my anxiety even worse. "Please don't let me die" I said to him. They didn't know if they should use clot busting medications because it could cause them to come loose and cause a stroke. OR they could perform open heart surgery and take out the clots, but I could end up brain dead from being on a heart and lung machine during surgery.
They decided that PTE surgery as the best option. I know from my past pulmonary embolism how lucky I was that they had caught it in time, and nearly everyone had a story of someone they knew who had not been so lucky. A pulmonary embolism can take your life in an instant.
The cardiologist told me I would have died if I wouldn't have come in within that hour.

I am trying to remember that the doctors said I will feel unwell for a while. What I want, more than ever, is to appreciate that I have this day, and tomorrow and hopefully days beyond that to enjoy. I am, like many people who are faced with a sudden need to reassess everything from brushing their teeth to breathing without pain, experiencing the learning curve of gratitude. You would think that with all of the blessings in my life that I would know what gratitude is. But this experience has shown me is that I didn’t have a clue, that I have had no idea how much I have taken for granted.

The days following the surgery for me seem to be lost in some way because I don't remember much from them. I remember thinking I don't want to die, things are going so well and this is it!!! I was angry and scared. I also knew the stress this was putting on J3 and my family. I thank God for their love and support. I made it through this horrible ordeal and I know that things happen for reasons. There must be a reason that I am still here. I am so grateful that the team of doctors and nurses were able to save me. It was one of the longest weeks in my life. I am now on medication to prevent future episodes and I take preventive measures to minimize my risk.

And on top of that, all the trouble that I had been having with my daughter came to a head. I had to send her to live with her father because I just couldn't handle her anymore. Her disobedient defiant behavior was so destructive I was fearing that if I didn't send her to her fathers much worse things were bound to happen. And I can't afford any stress right now while I am trying to heal from all of this. This decision was so hard for me. So painful because it took me so long to get her back into my life....and now shes gone again. My heart aches...but I know its the best place for her right now.

J3 was by my side the whole time and he is my light when there is darkness around me. He's held me through my tears during this and he's talked me through some hard moments. I don't know what I would do without him in my life. I am trying my hardest to keep positive and continue to heal and feel well. I am told it takes about 2 months. With each passing day I feel better. And I am so grateful to have such a wonderful man in my life, that truly loves me. I smile when I think about the future we are going to share, and those thoughts keep me going.

Thanks for reading
Be Well- Wendy

1 comment:

Lilj * Daddy (Nawa*G) said...


We still think about you frequently and miss you a ton. It seems things are going better now, thank god, and you are finally on the mend!
Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you. We want to help but feel always our thoughts, prayers and positive energy are with you...

Give us a call....

G & j