Monday, October 20, 2008

New Beginnings

It's been 7 years since we first met. I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would find the "One". I believe we found each other at the right time in both of our lives.

One day while we we chatting via IM J3 typed MM. I knew what that meant, but at the time we were both still married. I smiled and dreamt of what it would be like to be living with the person I had so often dreamt of, but thought never existed.

Marry Me? He would never want to be with me I thought. It will never be a reality.
And here we are and loving together.

I have been married twice before...both for the wrong reasons.

This now is how its supposed to be!

So on Halloween we are going to make it legal.

Nothing big ceremony or party. Just a couple close friends at the courthouse.

I already feel so connected to him. We are one, just opposite sides of the same coin.
And for the first time in my life I am truly happy and so honored that he wants me to be his wife.

A letter from the past...dated May 10th 2003
Sometimes, I am so scared that you're going to crush my heart into a million pieces without even realizing it. Can you promise me that you won't? I don't think you can.
I wouldn't want you to make those kind of promises, as they can be broken.
I can only ask that you please continue love me!

"I love you" means many things!

How your body feels curled up behind me in bed; or when you're in front of me, your lips,when kissing me, how I can still feel your mustache brushing against me.. even hrs after we've parted, I feel your teeth biting my skin.
how I love to brush my lips against your shoulders;
I love that you care so much about little things, but so little about (some) big things.
I love that you care about the little people more than the big people.
I love the small coincidences. I love that you *get* the ones I've told you about. I love that you make me want to tell you the rest.
I love when you ask for my opinion. I love when you really care what I think.
I love your sense of humor, your voice, your eyes. your ass,your hands.
I loved the way you touch me.
how complete I feel when we talk about "things";
how spiritual when we talk about love;
how alive you can make me feel;
how saddened I am by the weight you carry in your mind;
how beautiful I feel when you touch me;
how you give me hope, and a place to be;
how you console me when I want to quit;
how you keep me looking at myself;
my pride in the meaning of "our" future together;
because you make me feel better than I could;
how when we hold one another the world feels better;
how we saved each other from loneliness;
how we will again;
how amazing it is that your words turn sorrow into solitude into beauty, into compassion;
how you are a poet with your hand, an artist with your mind;
how I love your nakedness - your legs that walk, arms that hold;
how our hands fit together
how we didn't have to ask , but just knew;
As if we said, "Here. This way". This is where I belong."

Yes, I am still amazed that I have you in my life. It's still hard to understand how you "wanted" me. How after just a few short conversations I knew I was meant for you. I've never been with someone who suited me so perfectly.

You seduced me with your mind and strong honest spirit, and you've kept me with your tender heart. I know that"right now" I can't have you completely. But I'm still happy. A part of you has become part of me and that is enough.

I want you to know how much you've opened my eyes and helped me truly see myself. Until now, my life has been an undecided back-and-forth, and now I know that I've wasted too much time.
But now my direction seems clear, and I have confidence in my future. The past doesn't seem to matter anymore. You've made me see possibilities I would never have imagined before.
I feel you sometimes. you know, as if fate ripples like water as we take steps closer and closer to one another, it's like I can smell you near me, but I can't see you.
The thought of you is so constant upon my mind that any thoughts, but even for the moment leaves my heart wanting and wishing for your return. You have my heart overflowing with desire for your presence.
If for nothing more than a soft kiss ... I want. The thoughts created from within your mind amaze me. Hours, lifetimes of light and in depth conversation could be enjoyed between us. From the beauty of a summer's day or the color of your eyes to the folding of time and space or the beginning of a new life, I could be absorbed in sharing thoughts, ideas and dreams with you forever and beyond.
. The thought of you makes me smile. The thought of you unhappy, just as easily crushes me. You have affected me in so many ways. The adrenalin runs through my body with overwhelming desire for you; It seems that my heart has nearly come to the point where my mind has no words to relay the passion felt within. A fire grows daily. From wanting, to desiring to needing and more. Yes much more.

Each morning as I rise and each night as I lie my mind returns to you. And throughout the day I anticipate reading your words to put my mind at ease, saying that you love need and want me and a desire to continue on a path that leads to us.

Yes, I want to please you. But it's through pleasing you that I'll become a better and stronger person. There is nothing I want more than to transform myself through "us".
You challenge me to grow beyond myself and leave my weaker self behind.

My heart is filled with so much joy and love.

Thank you for loving me J3...and needing and wanting me.

I am truly fortunate to have you in my life.


As for my new found kitty.
She has been exploring her past and learning that she needs to please herself before she can please others. I felt her pain when she was describing her short but much needed vacation. I hope that she realizes she is a wonderful woman who deserves to be loved and needed by someone who will truly cherish her.

I know that we are developing feelings of respect that go far beyond the respect that we have for people in general, or the admiration that we have for family and close friends. Respect comes from the way you handle yourself. The quality of your answers and questions, or at least the perceived effort on your part to answer helpfully plays a huge role. And with the respect comes the want to dominate her. Use her. Explore with her.

I feel a stronger craving for her presence than I would have felt just for any good friend, and I feel that she has a particular place in my mind that is really above most other friends in my life. I want more and more and more of her and I want to keep her close to me.

It's really unusual to find a friend with whom you can be relaxed about attraction and eroticism, with whom your friendship doesn't feel threatened.

Her....her beautiful brown eyes speak to me of the balance of her essence. When we first me her, I felt immediate sense of kindness and comfort ,even though she likes to think of herself as bold and crass.
Her eyes, unlike all these other parts of her physical image, haven't and will not change over time, even if the color fades with each passing day. I look to them for the very thing I cannot always find in myself.

Inner Beauty.
Youthful beauty fades with time, but, with cultivation, inner beauty grows richer.

I am looking forward to continuing this relationship with her....and watching it grow.

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